letter From Kojima Halliday, Devotee of Bhagavan, London

Swamiji,

Hello. How are? Thank you for your letter. In spite of your kind words, they are strange to me because I do not see any evidence that they are justified. I look into myself and see only insincerity, laziness and an utter lack of laudable qualities. I have observed Bhagavan and so I think I know something of what sincerity and hard work and various other spiritual qualities look like. I also see something of that in you.

I am often surprised when you say I have done some good work, because I do not really remember doing any. Remembering what this body has done frankly does not interest me, but if I am brought to do so, it again seems strange because the impression I get is that all these things happened to someone else. I therefore feel somewhat ashamed to think about it, as I appear to be taking the credit for what someone else has done. Working till late may sometimes feel like work at the time, but afterwards, it is quickly forgotten whether it be successful or otherwise, and I have to make an effort to remember having done it.

In any case, the times when an effect seems to occur in other people, and my mind is pulled higher, is when I am speaking about spirituality, especially Bhagavat Tattva, or meditating with other people. What happens when it is going well is that I shut up, and another power begins to speak from my lips. I am just a bystander at such times, so how can I say that I have done work? How is doing nothing, while another entity is at work, working? Saying that I have worked seems even more untruthful than in the context described in the previous paragraph.

What do people want from life? I find myself talking about love, seeing that this is what attracts them. It seems to create an effect in them. However, I do not find myself yearning after love, and I do not remember any time in my life when love was really important to me. To be honest I cannot really be bothered to think about it. However, it occasionally strikes me as strange that I talk about it, understand everything I hear about it, make others sincerely yearn for it, yet I cannot really say that I experience it or care much about getting that experience. There remains a sort of intellectual desire to experience it, that I do not generally think about, as I am aware that it is an aspect of the divine life.

I do not really find myself caring about love, but following the pattern of conversations and correspondence I have with others, it certainly appears that I care that other people should attain it. Once again, I look into myself, and it is unclear where this talk comes from. Trying to make others yearn for and know love does not seem to come from my feeling, rather it appears that it is simply becoming my nature to do so. Typing this, I have just looked into myself again and saw what seemed like a hollow vessel, a machine that is increasingly powered by a force that has been seeping in since I met Bhagavan. There is little love, yet loneliness is something I have probably never experienced. It seems strange. How empty is it possible to be?

I know perfectly well why I have come to this plane, and that is to do the works of Bhagavan. I do not feel I have come to get anything else. I remember the words of Thakur, "jiva is shiva". I meditate with someone and spend the meditation alternately trying to scrape up the will to make a heartfelt prayer that the person I am meditating with will be pulled closer to Bhagavan, and immersing myself as deeply as possible. Thakur once said that he would incarnate ten thousand times just so that one soul could achieve liberation. I feel a deep weariness in my soul that I have felt since I was a teenager, and I suspect that if I did not know I was destined to do the works of Bhagavan, I would probably be approaching the point where I would be counting down the days to my death. Yet, I would like to be like Thakur. Having observed Bhagavan and felt something of that Power inside me, I feel I have lost the right to fail. I know that if I carry out my God-given duty, I will attain all aspects of the divine life whether I desire them or not.

Hare Krishna,

Koji